How to Make Peace With the Parts of You That Hurt

Healing begins not by erasing our pain, but by learning to sit with it gently and without judgment.

Key Takeaways

➡️ Pain is not the enemy. Our discomfort often carries messages that can guide us toward growth and deeper self-understanding.

➡️ Compassion heals what control cannot. Befriending our wounded parts with patience and kindness allows genuine integration.

➡️ Practical tools help us stay present. Mindful awareness, self-compassion practices, and acceptance rituals make peace possible in everyday life.

Most of us have been taught to treat pain like an intruder. We try to silence it with distractions, bury it beneath achievements, or outrun it with busyness. Yet no matter how far we run, the same anxieties, grief, or regrets seem to resurface—sometimes louder than before.

What if, instead of banishing these hurting parts of ourselves, we learned to welcome them? What if healing didn’t come from conquering pain but from softening toward it?

This perspective, rooted in Buddhist wisdom and echoed in modern psychology, invites us to shift our relationship with suffering. Rather than resisting the parts of ourselves that feel broken, we can practice making peace with them—and, in doing so, discover a gentler, more whole way of being.

1. Stop Treating Pain Like an Enemy

When something hurts—whether it’s the sting of rejection, the weight of grief, or the sharpness of anxiety—our nervous system goes into defense mode. Psychologists call this the avoidance cycle: the more we resist uncomfortable feelings, the more power they gain over us.

Pema Chödrön teaches that “the places that scare us” are not signs of failure but invitations to befriend our humanity. In psychological terms, avoidance prevents integration. The emotions we shove aside often reappear through stress symptoms, relationship conflicts, or burnout.

A more healing approach is to notice pain without immediately trying to fix it. This doesn’t mean resigning ourselves to suffering; it means shifting from hostility to curiosity. Asking, “What is this part of me trying to tell me?” opens a space for insight. For example, anxiety may signal an unmet need for safety, while sadness may point to a loss that deserves honoring.

2. Lead With Compassion, Not Control

Many of us respond to inner pain with self-criticism: “I should be over this by now.” Or we try to dominate our emotions with rigid positivity: “Just think happy thoughts.” But healing doesn’t come from controlling our feelings—it comes from compassion.

Research on self-compassion, pioneered by psychologist Kristin Neff, shows that treating ourselves with the same kindness we’d offer a friend reduces stress, builds resilience, and even supports physical health. Compassion isn’t indulgence—it’s medicine.

One simple practice is to place a hand over your heart when difficult feelings arise and say quietly: “This is hard right now, and that’s okay. May I be gentle with myself.” This interrupts the inner critic and builds a new habit of self-support.

Pema Chödrön often describes this as “leaning in” to discomfort with tenderness. Instead of tightening around our pain, we soften. Instead of cutting it off, we listen. This change in posture—psychologically and spiritually—creates the space where healing naturally unfolds.

3. Practice Staying Present in Daily Life

Making peace with hurt isn’t a one-time revelation; it’s a daily practice. The small choices we make—to pause, breathe, and turn toward discomfort—build the muscle of presence over time.

Some practical tools:

• Mindful breathing. When overwhelm hits, gently focus on one full inhale and one slow exhale. This grounds the body and interrupts spirals of panic.

• Journaling without judgment. Write down your rawest feelings without censoring. Research shows expressive writing can reduce stress and help process trauma.

• Acceptance rituals. Light a candle, say aloud the name of the emotion you feel, and give it permission to be present. This symbolic act reduces inner resistance.

• Small acts of nurturing. A warm shower, stepping into nature, or calling a trusted friend communicates to your nervous system: you are safe here.

These practices are not about erasing pain but creating a compassionate container where it can transform. Over time, the parts of you that once felt unbearable begin to integrate into a larger story of wholeness.

Making peace with the parts of us that hurt is not about becoming flawless or endlessly calm. It’s about embracing our full humanity—the fear, the grief, the anger, alongside the joy and love. When we soften our resistance, pain loses its sharp edges.

As Chödrön reminds us, uncertainty and change are woven into life. But within that truth lies freedom: if we can stay present with what hurts, we can also stay present with what heals. And perhaps the greatest gift is realizing that both can coexist in the same heart.